Insane Asylum Escapees
by Lucillia
Summary: Adopted with permission from RuneWitchSakura. When a pair of lunatics who've dragged their minder across the country turn up on Harry Potter's doorstep babbling about magic, Harry finds himself on a new career path. Despite the fact that he'd rather be an Astronaut, Harry will be spending the next seven years training to be a Minder at the asylum known as Hogwarts. Random Oneshots.
1. Escapees From the Asylum

**Hello Readers. As you can obviously tell, this story wasn't originally mine, having been the brainchild of one RuneWitchSakura who has temporarily left the site to tend to obligations in real life. She has kindly allowed me to adopt this story which I plan to continue. I have made some small edits to the wording here and there, but for the most part the story is preserved as-was, including all of Rune's original Author's notes which have been preserved for the sake of history.**

**I will be picking up the story from where it left off when I reach the end of RuneWitchSakura's material, and taking it in whatever direction comes to me. Hopefully the original fans of the story or of RuneWitchSakura herself won't be to disappointed by the angle from which I depart when creating new material for this story.**

**Lucillia**

Title: **Insane Asylum Escapees**  
Category: Books » Harry Potter  
Author: RuneWitchSakura  
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T  
Genre: Humor/General  
Published: 05-12-07, Updated: 10-11-13  
Chapters: 15, Words: 10,201

**Chapter 1: What's That Address Again?**

_This isn't a story, more a compilation of one-shots that involve Harry and his belief that all 'magical' people are insane asylum escapees (hence the title). It will go in random order (meaning I will skip around a lot, going from a scene in the first book, to a scene in the fourth, to a scene in the second and so on and so forth…randomly). Enjoy._

Dumbledore ignored Snape's grumbling and McGonagall's sighs as he rang the doorbell.

"Boy! Get the door!" they heard from inside.

"Yes, Uncle Vernon," followed after. The sound of shifting footsteps, the lock unlocking and the door was opened by a short black-haired boy who didn't look older than eight with emerald green eyes.

"Can I help you?" the boy asked.

"Mr. Potter?" Dumbledore asked, smiling, overlooking the fact that Harry was obviously malnourished (which in turn caused both Snape _and_ McGonagall to cast the Snape Glare of Death™ upon him).

"Yes."

"I am Professor Dumbledore, and these are Professors McGonagall and Snape. We are here from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. You do believe in magic, of course?" The last part was more a statement than a question.

"Oh, I believe alright," Harry started, "I believe you (pointing at Dumbledore) and you (pointing at McGonagall) are both obviously senile and have escaped the insane asylum and have obviously dragged your poor minder (gestured at Snape) along with this insanity," Harry turned to look at Snape with a 'I feel sorry that you have to care for loonies' look on his face, "Would you like me to give you the directions back to the asylum, so you can put the patients back in their beds."

It took all of Snape's self control not to crack a smile at the emerald eyed boy, or even worse…laugh. Especially at the looks on Dumbledore and McGonagall's faces. McGonagall looked affronted, as no one in their right minds had ever called _her_ senile (except Sirius Black, but he got two months of detention with Filch and therefore never spoke the word 'senile' again, especially in her presence). Dumbledore blinked several times in confusion.

"I beg your pardon?" Dumbledore asked. Harry regarded him for a moment.

"You're asking forgiveness for being insane…well, that's the first time that's happened to me…of course, this is the first time I've seen two senile old people dragging their minder along with them. Oh right," he turned back inside, "Uncle Vernon? What was the address to the insane asylum? There's a man out here with two senile escapees who are talking about witchcraft, and wizardry, and stuff like that."

"WHAT? I'LL NOT HAVE THAT FREAKISHNESS IN MY HOUSE!"

"They're not in the house; they're on the doorstep, and their minder would _really_ like that address."

Snape snorted. Maybe this Potter wouldn't be so bad to keep around.


	2. Slytherin Equals Sane

**Chapter 2: Slytherin Equals Sane**

_As I said before, this is going to be random oneshots. This is the scene where Harry meets Sirius in the Shrieking Shack...poor Sirius._

Sirius stared.

Harry stared back.

Sirius blinked and continued staring.

Harry blinked and continued staring back.

"Harry…"

"INSANE PSYCHOPA-mmpphh!" Harry started yelling, but he was cut off by Sirius' hand over his mouth.

"Now, now, no need to do that," Sirius said, "It's not like I'm going to kill you or anything," then Sirius noticed the colors on Harry's Hogwarts tie, "You're a SLYTHERIN!" Sirius took his hand off of Harry's mouth in surprise.

"And you're an insane psychopath…but don't worry, you're not alone…this whole world is filled with psychopaths."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you a Slytherin?"

"Oh that…Slytherin equals sane."

"Huh?" Harry rolled his eyes and explained.

**Flashback**

Harry didn't know why he was following the insane asylum escapes and their minder but he was. His uncle probably paid them to take him. And by the way his uncle had been yelling, they apparently wanted a lot of money.

"And you get 'sorted' into 'houses' in this asylum?" Harry asked.

"It's not an asylum; it's a school!" McGonagall said, "And yes. There are four houses: Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin. Your parents were in Gryffindor."

"My parents went to this asylum?"

"It's not an asylum!" McGonagall yelled. Dumbledore was cheerfully sucking on a lemon drop, totally oblivious to the conversation (further fueling Harry's belief that he was an escape from the insane asylum). Harry ignored McGonagall and turned to Snape.

"And what 'house' were you in, if any at all?"

"Slytherin," Snape replied, curtly. McGonagall regained Harry's attention and went on to tell him of famous people who came out of Hogwarts and what house they were in, and about the four Founders that the houses were named for. Harry's interpretations of her words were a bit less than what she would have liked.

"I get it," Harry said, making McGonagall think that he finally dropped the asylum thing, "Different people get sorted into these 'houses' based on whether they're sane or not. (McGonagall's eye twitched) Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw equal insane; that's where all the nuts go. (The twitching got worse) Slytherin equals sane; that's where all the minders come from. Slytherin is _definitely_ where I want to go." The three of them turned around as they heard a strange sound.

Dumbledore was pounding on his chest, having choked on his lemon drop after hearing Harry's last sentence.

**End Flashback**

"So you see…Slytherin equals sane."

Sirius fainted. Lupin entered the room, took in the fact that Sirius was on the floor with Harry standing over him, and raised an eyebrow.

"Um…" Harry had the deer in the headlights look on his face, "I didn't do it."

"Didn't do what?" Lupin asked.

"I don't know," Harry admitted, sheepishly, "But whatever it is, _I didn't do it_."

**_The last part was inspired by my brother's "Whatever It Is, I Didn't Do It" t-shirt. I want a shirt like that…that and the "Curiosity Killed The Cat, But For A While I Was The Suspect" shirt. Anyways, Read and Review, please! Smiles!_**

**_Rune_**


	3. It Makes Them Feel Better

**Chapter 3: It Makes The Insane Ones Feel Better**

_Part (Okay, most) of the Draco - Harry conversation came from Blue Fire Mustang, who also gave me a Harry - Voldemort conversation that I'll be using eventually._

The Sorting

"You'd do well in Slytherin," the Hat said, "But you'd also do well in Gryffindor. Hmm…how about, I let you choose?"

"Seriously? Dude…Slytherin! I want to be known as sane!"

"Very well. Have fun, Mr. Potter, in SLYTHERIN!" Harry took the Hat off his head as Dumbledore choked on another one of his lemon drops. Snape raised his hand and McGonagall, Sprout, and Flitwick all grumbled as they put ten galleons each in his hand.

**After The Feast: Slytherin Common Room.**

Shortly after Snape left (after saying something about House Loyalty and all that - Harry really wasn't paying attention), Draco got up in Harry's face.

"Potter - " before he could continue, Harry interrupted him.

"Are you…stressed, or is that just your natural hair color?" Draco's eye twitched and he pulled out his wand.

"I'll kill you!"

"And _why_ do you have a stick in your hand? Oh, please don't tell me that you actually believe the senile patients' whole 'Hogwarts: School of Witchcraft and Wizardry' shit. You do realize we're supposed to be the sane ones, right?"

"…" Draco had nothing to say at that, trying to figure out what was going on. Blaise snickered; the only one brave enough to do so.

"I mean, isn't all that for little kids…or you know…the insane people that were sorted in the other three 'houses'?"

"…" Draco was still trying to figure out what was going on. Blaise, having heard rumors on the train, already knew exactly what Harry believed Hogwarts to be.

"Hello?" Harry waved his hand in front of Draco's face, "Hello? Oh, great…he's dead." Harry poked Draco on the forehead and the blonde fell over (it was the Power Poke of Doom™ ).

"Huh?" Draco asked, wondering how he got on the floor.

"He's alive," Harry said, looking like he was conflicted about being happy or sad about that; he settled for happy, "Thank God! I don't want to go to juvie just because of some insane people here."

"What's juvie?" one of the other first years whispered to an older student.

"No idea," the student whispered back.

**Later That Night: First Year Boys Dorm Room**

"Nice to be in the sane house, isn't it?" Blaise said to Harry, as he levitated his books out of his trunk.

"If you're sane…then why - " Harry was cut off before he could finish asking about Blaise's use of magic.

"It makes the insane ones feel better," Blaise said.

"Ah…I suppose that that's a good enough reason to play along," Harry said, smiling.

**The Next Day: Transfiguration Classroom**

"Finally decide to give up the 'insane asylum' ruse, Mr. Potter?" McGonagall asked.

"No," Harry replied, as he transfigured his match to a needle and back repeatedly.

"Then why - " McGonagall was cut off, just like Harry last night.

"It makes the insane ones feel better," Harry repeated Blaise's words from the night before. McGonagall's eye twitched. Both Harry and Blaise grinned.

**_There you have it…Harry now has a best friend and a perfectly good explanation of how he uses magic while still thinking everyone not in Slytherin is insane. Read and Review, please! Smiles!_**

**_Rune_**


	4. ADD at its Finest

**Chapter 4: ADD At It's Finest**

_This is just near the end of the second book; except the meeting isn't taking place in whoever's office it was._

Albus Dumbledore, Cornelius Fudge, Molly Weasley, and Arthur Weasley were in the Great Hall. It was just after dinner so they were the only ones in there, besides Professor Snape, hiding in a shadowy corner.

Molly was screaming about her daughter.

Cornelius was screaming about the Boy-Who-Lived.

And Albus was trying to get the both of them to quiet down.

Arthur was quiet. He had an odd feeling. Like something big was about to come through the doors of the Great Hall any moment.

His odd feeling hit dead on.

The double doors slammed open to reveal a pissed off and bloodied Harry Potter trailed by a shy and also bloodied Ginny Weasley.

"Ginny, my baby girl!" Molly cried, as she and Arthur rush over to their youngest child. Harry in the meantime stalked right up to Dumbledore.

"You set an anaconda on me!"

"A what?" Cornelius and Albus asked, at the same time.

"The big ass snake, I just stuck this sword through the mouth of!" he yelled, waving the Gryffindor Sword around causing the two men to duck.

"How big, exactly?" Cornelius asked.

"Big ass big!" Harry answered, before turning to Dumbledore, "You people really want me to believe in this magic shit don't ya?" Cornelius turned to Dumbledore, confused. Dumbledore gave him a sheepish look.

"He doesn't believe in magic."

"Doesn't…believe…magic," Cornelius was unable to handle that piece of information and fainted on the spot. Dumbledore was not worried about that; he was far to interested in Harry's ranting.

"Of course I don't believe in magic! You're all insane asylum nuts! You let a dodgy old codger of questionable sanity, with a lemon drop obsession rule the insane asylum! And, you think I believe in the stuff you all are spouting? Yeah right! No chance in hell! Not even a snowball's. Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?" Harry cut off his rant to think. Then it hit him.

He'd left Lockhart in the chamber, after the failed attempt to wipe Harry's memory. Said attempt only failed because Harry ducked…sort of.

**Flashback**

Harry wasn't even paying attention to Lockhart's rant about memory spells being the only thing the idiot was good at.

He had found a rock.

Just as Lockhart shot the spell, Harry bent down to pick up the rock. It was lodged into the earth a little, causing him to have to dig it out. That gave the spell enough time to ricochet off of a metal wall relief and hit Lockhart.

"Pretty rock," Harry said, "Shiny too." He admired his new rock and put it in his pocket. Only then did he notice the mumbling Lockhart.

"Poor guy," Harry sighed, "Just another to fall prey to the insane ones." He shook his head in pity then went to go find Ginny Weasley.

**End Flashback**

"My rock!" Harry exclaimed, all thought of Lockhart gone, as he pulled it out of his pocket. Dumbledore face-faulted.

'ADD at it's finest,' Snape thought.

**_That was fun to write. This came from boredom and listening to too much Bill Engvall. Read and Review, please! Smiles!_**

**_Rune_**


	5. Mr Rock

**Chapter 5: Mr Rock, the Dementor Attacking Rock**

_At the request of ladylookslikeadude, I am doing the scene from POA with the dementors on the train._

The train skidded to a stop and the air got colder.

"What - is it winter already?" Harry asked, sleepily, waking up from his nap. Blaise, the only other one in the compartment besides the sleeping professor, glared at him.

"Potter, I take back every nice thing I've ever called you," Blaise told him, "and replace them all with 'You're an idiot'. Dementors are close by, probably searching the train for Sirius Black."

"Don't see why. He's obviously not here," Harry said, pulling out Mr. Rock (the rock he took from the chamber the year before; he called it Mr. Rock to freak out the Dursleys and the name stuck) and tossing it up and down, "Unless he disguised himself as Mr. Rock." Harry stared suspiciously at his rock for a moment before shrugging and continuing to toss it up and down. Blaise rolled his eyes.

"If you don't believe in magic, how can you possibly believe that Black is pretending to be your rock?" Blaise asked, eying Lupin. He could have sworn he saw Lupin twitch.

"You'd be surprised at the amount of technology the government keeps from us. Black might have gotten his hands on a super hologram creation device or something like that," Harry replied.

"First you're an 'Insane Asylum Minder in Training', and now you're a conspiracy theorist." There! Lupin twitched! "What's next Harry?"

"I'm going to be an astronaut." And Lupin twitched again. There's no way he was really sleeping.

"What the hell?" Blaise cursed, as the door to the compartment opened.

"Holy shit! It's Black (guess who twitched again) dressed up as a Nazgûl! Mr. Rock, sacrifice yourself to protect us!" Harry closed his eyes and threw the rock as hard as he could. He heard a smack and a thump before he risked opening his eyes.

"Harry," Blaise said calmly, "Congratulations. You just knocked out a Dementor using nothing more than your pet rock."

"…"

"…"

"Is that a good thing?" Lupin shuddered and Blaise was damn sure he was awake.

_That one was fun to write. I missed the word 'nothing' in the first post, so this is just adding the word. Read and Review please! Smiles!_

_Rune_


	6. Gollum's Cousin Said I Mustn't

**Chapter 6: Gollum's Cousin Said I Mustn't**

_Scenes from the third and second book._

Harry sighed as he dragged his trunk alongside him. His uncle blamed everything on him, it seems.

Marge had come to visit. This evening, she had taken it upon herself to insult Harry's parents. Mr. Rock had taken it upon himself to attack her and hit her in the head – the center of the forehead, in fact. Apparently Mr. Rock hit a pressure point because Marge then started to swell up like a balloon.

Dumbledore would probably claim that his 'magic' had acted in anger and thrown Mr. Rock at her before blowing her up (for she did, in fact, go boom – not in the house, thankfully). But, magic did not exist, and Dumbledore was nuts. so it must have been a pressure point.

Vernon being Vernon had quite naturally blamed all of this on him. Maybe _he_ should be the one going to the insane asylum, seeing as he was the one who believed in magic. Perhaps he should send Dumbledore a letter to that effect.

As Harry pondered this and the fact that all of his relatives would fit into Gryffindor quite nicely, he was swinging his wand around pretending it was a sword.

'Pop.'

"Oh, look," Harry said cheerfully, "A bus." He boarded

"Welcome to the Knight Bus. I'm Stan Shunpike and I'll be your conductor for this evening. Where would you like to go?"

"To the Leaky Cauldron, please," Harry said, "I think it's in London somewhere."

"In London somewhere, he says," Stan chuckled, "Hit it Ern!"

**The Next Morning**

Dumbledore happily accepted the letter from the pretty white owl and then choked on another lemon drop as he read it.

_'Dear Insane Asylum Head Person,_

_Having realized that I am sane and my dearly beloved uncle is the one with the problems, I happily give up my spot in the institution which you are inexplicably running - probably because none of the Minders want to be bothered with the paperwork and are happy to pretend you are in charge - for him._

_On September 1st, you should send Minder Snape to collect Vernon Dursley from #4 Privet Drive, as I am no longer there._

_Have a nice day,_

_Harry Potter'_

After managing to swallow the candy, Dumbledore threw some Floo powder in the fireplace, "Minerva!"

**Half an Hour Later**

"Mr. Potter, you have to go to Hogwarts," Minerva sighed, "Don't you remember? We had this discussion last year."

Harry did remember:

**Flashback**

"Mister Harry Potter," the little creature said in awe.

"OH MY GOD! It's Gollum!" Harry exclaimed, before taking a closer look, "Well, maybe Gollum's cousin anyway."

"Mister Harry Potter is in great danger! He must not return to Hogwarts!" the creature said.

"So…I don't have to go back to Hogwarts?"

"Mister Harry Potter _must not_ return to Hogwarts."

"Yes!" Harry pumped a fist into the air.

**One Month Later**

**(After Harry Failed To Show Up To The Feast)**

"Mr. Potter," Professor McGonagall said, "You have to go to Hogwarts."

"No, I don't," Harry replied.

"Yes, you do."

"Don't."

"Do."

"Don't."

"Do."

"Don't"

"Mr. Potter, what exactly makes you think you don't have to go?"

"Gollum's cousin said I mustn't," Harry told her. McGonagall's eyebrows rose.

"And if Gollum's cousin was lying?" she asked, dryly. Harry blinked.

"Damn."

**End Flashback**

Harry shook his head to clear away the memory.

"But my uncle has my spot," Harry told her.

"No he doesn't, Mr. Potter."

"Yes he does. I gave it to him."

"You can't give your spot away."

"Oh."

"…"

"So, can I sign him up instead? He really needs help, and possibly anger management classes."

"No Mr. Potter. You may not enroll your uncle at Hogwarts."

"…"

"…"

"Damn."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"How about Dudley? He has problems too."

McGonagall groaned.

**_As always, read and review, please. Smiles._**

**_Rune_**


	7. Mr Potter, What Are You Doing?

**Chapter 7: Mr Potter, What Are You Doing?**

_This covers the TriWizard Tournament. _

**Directly After the Cup Spits Out Harry's Name**

"Harry Potter!" Dumbledore yelled.

"Hmm?" Harry looked up from the newspaper in front of him. Dumbldore held a tiny piece of paper and was looking at him strangely.

"Dude, your name just came out of the cup," Blaise whispered in his ear.

"Cup, what cup?" Harry asked. Everyone but the Slytherins and the regular Hogwarts teachers (having had three years to get used to him) face faulted.

"Potter, your name came out of the cup!" Fudge exclaimed after recovering, "Hey! Are you listening - Mr. Potter, what are you doing?"

"Crossword," Harry said, before turning to Blaise. "What's a ten-letter word for 'excessive love or admiration of ones self'?"

"How the bloody hell should I know?" Blaise asked.

"Anyone?" Harry called.

"Narcissism," one of the Beauxbatons students answered.

"Really? Hey, it fits! Thank you!" 'Hmm, you know, that kind of sounds like 'Narcissa'.'

**First Task**

"And our fourth champion - Harry Potter!" the announcer called. Harry came out (shirtless, much to the happiness of his fangirls) with a lawn chair and a large mirror that he had borrowed from Pansy Parkinson.

Harry set the lawn chair on the grass just inside the arena, sat in the chair, and held the mirror out in front of him.

"Uh," the announcer said, "Mr. Potter, what are you doing?"

"Sunbathing," Harry answered, before turning to the dragon and yelling, "Oi! You! Lizard-breath! You're in my sun - move it!"

"And he calls _us_ insane?" Ginny asked of no one in particular.

A few seats over, Remus Lupin was banging his head against a book muttering "Stupid. Stupid. Stupid." with every bang. Occasionally "He's gonna die. He's gonna die." was added in, as well.

"Has Mr. Potter started believing in magic yet?" McGonnagal asked Blaise.

"Nope."

"And how does he explain the dragon?"

"Iguana on steroids."

Dumbledore choked on another lemon drop.

**Second Task**

"Mr. Potter, what are you doing in here?" Poppy Pomfrey asked. He was sitting on a bed in the med-tent, with a newspaper in front of him.

"Crossword. Five letter word - _Blank_ up - meaning to screw something up."

"Fudge," Pomfrey answered.

"Yes?" Cornelius Fudge asked, hearing his name. Harry blinked.

"That's...disturbing, actually."

"Mr. Potter!" Fudge exclaimed, having just noticed him, "What are you doing?"

"Crossword."

"Aren't you going to save your treasure?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Blaise can swim better than I can."

"Oh."

"Eleven letter word, beginning with 'd' that means group of idiots or morons?"

Before anyone could answer Snape was heard outside the tent, yelling (no doubt at a group of Gryffindors), "You DUNDERHEADS!"

"Nevermind," Harry said, cheerfully.

**Third Task**

For the third task, the lawn chair was back, but this time he had a book.

"Mr. Potter," Fudge hissed through his teeth, "What are you doing? No, wait, let me guess - a crossword?"

"Nope - word search!"

Fudge face faulted.


	8. Super Duper Fertilizer

**Chapter 8: Super Duper Fertilizer**

_Okay, at the request of Ignatia Nox La Gambit, I'm doing the scene where Harry meets Ollivander and gets his wand._

Harry stared.

Ollivander stared back. Then he gave a big grin.

"I was wondering when I'd be seeing you in here Mr. Potter," he said. Harry raised an eyebrow. "It seems like it was just yesterday when I sold your parents their first wands."

"Wands?" Harry asked.

"Yes, wands." Harry turned to Snape.

"More and more people are playing along with this whole 'asylum is a school' thing it seems. And, I thought Merlin used a staff?"

"I think you're a little too young for a staff," Ollivander said.

"And, I think you're a little too old to still be breathing."Harry replied.

McGonagall and Dumbledore made strange whining noises and Snape snorted. Ollivander stared at Harry.

"Oh sorry," Harry said, grinning, "I thought we were having a 'state the first thing on your mind' contest. I think I won."

Ollivander continued staring at him, then he looked up at Dumbledore, and his eyebrows rose. He shook his head and went through some boxes.

"Here try this one," he said, handing a wand to Harry, "eleven inches, oak, unicorn tail hair."

Harry took the wand, and looked at it for few seconds. He then poked the wand box with it.

FWOOSH!

The box erupted into flames.

"Definitely not," Ollivander said, taking it back and handing him another one. "Twelve and a half inches, mahogany, dragon heartstring."

Harry took the wand, and, looking rather hopeful, poked Dumbledore with it. Nothing happened for a few seconds, and then a flower started growing on Dumbledore's head, pushing his hat off in the process.

"No, not that one either," Ollivander said, taking it back and handing him yet another wand. "Try this one. Eleven inches, holly, phoenix feather."

Harry took the wand. It felt warm, and Harry was pretty sure he could feel a breeze – there must be a fan somewhere, or a window open.

"That's the one!" Ollivander said, ringing them up. "Have a nice day!" The group left the wand shop to continue down the road.

"If that's our savior, we're all doomed." Ollivander moaned as he watched the group depart.

Back with the group of four, McGonagall was surprised to find out that Harry still didn't believe in magic.

"And how do you explain the box catching fire?" she asked.

"Ollivander probably had a hidden lighter that we couldn't see," Harry answered.

"And the flower?"

"Super Duper Fertilizer. I use it all the time on my Aunt's garden. The flowers pop right up," Harry said, before turning to Dumbledore. "What possesses you to carry fertilizer and flower seeds around in your hat? That just proves you're insane."

Dumbledore blinked in confusion, before popping a lemon drop in his mouth.

This boy was just too much.

**_This is part of a huge update. I finally got all my data back, and thought "Hmm, why don't I update all my stories." I didn't realize I had twenty-seven of them not completed. This is only number eight. Now I'm thinking, "Hmm, what the hell was I thinking!" I've been writing for my stories since January 7, and I've still got nineteen to go. Yikes. I seem to not have any ideas for this one anymore, although the requests that I get are awesome, so review with what scene you'd like to see, and I'll see about getting my muse hooked on some of them._**

**_Read and Review, please! Smiles!_**

**_Rune_**


	9. Potter, Is That a Bunny?

**Chapter 9: Potter, Is That A Bunny?**

_This is for X59, who wondered what Harry's boggart would look like. Makes more sense if you've seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail and The Chubbchubbs._

"A what-fart?" Harry whispered to Blaise, who glared at him.

"A boggart, Potter, honestly," Blaise told him, resisting the urge to smack Harry upside the head.

"And what does it do?"

"Were you not listening to Lupin? It takes the form of your biggest fear."

"Oh." Must be some type of special effect. But then how did Lupin know their biggest fears to be able to set it up? Hmm…probably asked them all in one of the classes Harry skipped.

Harry didn't skip many classes, just the ones that bored him half to death. Like Defense did, most days.

But if Harry wasn't here when Lupin figured out what all their biggest fears were, then Lupin didn't know his, which meant he would have to make it look like he didn't want Harry to face the butt-fart thing.

"_Boggart_," Blaise said again, leading Harry to believe that Blaise could read his mind. Either that, or Blaise could just predict what he was thinking.

Either way, Lupin was no doubt going to prevent Harry from facing the boggart. Harry, feeling oddly vindictive today, decided that was not going to happen.

"Dobby," he whispered. The house-elf popped into existence near him. Naturally, Dobby used magic to perform this little feat, but Harry passed it off as the little psycho Gollum-cousin stalking him.

"What can Dobby do for the great Harry Potter?" Dobby whispered. He and Harry had had a nice long talk about being quiet when Harry called him with a whisper.

"Don't let Lupin keep me from facing the butt-fart thing," Harry told him.

"Boggart," Blaise corrected automatically.

"Yes sir, Harry Potter, sir," Dobby said, saluting him before disappearing.

Blaise shook his head. Sometimes, being considered the best friend of the Boy-Who-Lived just wasn't worth the annoyance.

Several of the students managed to turn their greatest fears into something funny. Two fainted (Weasley facing a spider and Goyle facing a test). One managed to laugh so hard he couldn't breathe and passed out (Longbottom facing Snape in Grand Lady Longbottom's dress, hat, and purse combo). Finally, it came to be Harry's turn. Lupin tried to step between Harry and the boggart, only to find he was handcuffed to his desk. And if he wasn't mistaken, they were his own damn handcuffs!

The class roared with laughter as Harry's boggart turned, not into Voldemort, or a Dementor as Lupin had expected, but a bunny rabbit.

"Potter," Blaise said, disbelievingly, "Is that a bunny? Your worst fear is a bunny?"

"That's not just a bunny, Blaise," Harry said, backing away from the bunny. "I always knew those Monty Python movies were real!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Blaise asked, stepping just a little closer to the bunny as Harry backed away further. Lupin barely had enough time to conjure up a brick wall in front of him as the bunny attacked. Not having enough time to conjure it properly, the brick wall was translucent. Blaise fell back as the bunny hit the wall right where his neck would have been. He got a good look at the razor sharp teeth that the bunny had.

"Potter! That could have been my neck!" he screamed.

"I told you it wasn't just a bunny!" Harry yelled back, attracting the bunny's attention. "It's a murderer! It bites people's heads off! Hey, no, don't come towards me!" Harry squeaked and ducked, letting the bunny sail over him.

"Ridikulus, Potter, ridikulus!" Blaise yelled.

Normally, Harry would have brushed that off as nothing more than a word (magic spells weren't real – it only made the insane ones feel better and therefore less likely to be violent if you played along), but it worked for the others (Slytherin's included), so it was probably the password to activate the advanced special effects system that this room seemed to employ.

"Ridikulus!" Harry said, waving his wand. Nothing happened. The bunny advanced. Harry heard a purring sound. Four chicks with pig noses appeared in front of him. The girls in the room 'aww'ed. Then the chicks' eyes grew red and they opened their mouths, showing three sets of extremely sharp, rotating teeth. The chicks attacked the bunny, and tore it to pieces.

"Chubbchubbs!" Harry yelled, happily. "You guys are real too? Sweet!"

A bloody rabbit's foot hit the wall where Blaise's face would have been. He whimpered. Several of the students fainted (Malfoy included), most of the remaining girls screamed before fainting as well, and the rest of the students ran screaming from the room. Lupin felt the urge to do the same, but he was still handcuffed to his desk, and the Chubbchubb things were now advancing on Harry.

"Harry!" Lupin yelled worriedly, only to see the Chubbchubbs purring and nuzzling Harry who was laughing and petting them. Fine, Harry was safe, now he had to concentrate on getting these damn handcuffs off. And figure out who handcuffed him to his desk with his own handcuffs in the first place.

Blaise stared at Harry petting the evil chicken things that he called Chubbchubbs and squeaked. The Chubbchubbs' turned their heads to him and hopped over, giving him the same treatment as Harry.

"Well, I guess you guys aren't too bad," Blaise said, petting them. The Chubbchubbs purred. Lupin felt the urge to growl at the handcuffs, only to see the key sitting innocently on his desk.

When he found out who did this, he was so kicking their asses!

**Three Hours Later**

Dumbledore sighed. He had gotten numerous complaints from Poppy about the amount of patients who'd turned up as a result of Lupin's third year Gryffindor/Slytherin class that day. From what he could glean from the woman's ranting, the problems the young students suffered from were mostly mental.

"Enter," Dumbledore called out when his door alerted him to the presence of his Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.

Remus Lupin entered looking rather tired. Not even bothering with manners, the man made a beeline for the chair across the desk from him and flopped down into it with a sigh.

"What happened?" Dumbledore asked, after Lupin sat down.

"I introduced the class to boggarts today," Lupin said. "I really meant to stop Harry before he could face the boggart, but…I didn't move fast enough." No sense in telling Dumbledore he had somehow gotten handcuffed to his desk. He still didn't know who did that.

"Ah, I see," Dumbledore said, "and Harry's boggart was Voldemort, I assume?"

"No," Lupin replied.

"No?" Dumbledore asked, astonished. "Then what was it?"

"An evil bunny," Lupin said, sounding like he couldn't believe it himself.

"An...evil bunny...caused most of your class to end up in the hospital wing with mental problems?"

"No. The bunny only tried to bite Blaise Zabini and Harry's heads off. It was the evil chickens he fed the evil bunny to that caused most of my class to end up in the hospital wing with mental problems."

"Evil...chickens?"

"Yes sir," Lupin said, feeling oddly like he was a student in trouble for some prank again. "They ate the evil bunny in front of the students. It was rather gory. Harry called them Chubbchubbs."

Lupin wasn't really all that surprised to see Dumbledore break down into sobs. According to the other teachers, stuff like this was normal for Harry. Lupin felt like crying himself, and he'd only had to deal with Harry for a few months. Dumbledore had been forced to deal with him for years and would still have to deal with him for years to come since the political fallout for expelling the Boy-Who-Lived wouldn't be worth doing it to spare himself from the mental anguish that was to come. Poor old man.

_**Questions likely to be asked that I will answer now:**_

_**Why does Lupin have handcuffs in the first place? **_**Sirius probably gave them to him as a joke.**

_**Why didn't Lupin use magic to unlock the handcuffs? **_**They're magical handcuffs, charmed against unlocking spells.**

_**How did Lupin get handcuffed to the desk? **_**Dobby did it.**


	10. I Found It Granger, I Found It!

**Chapter 10: I found it, Granger, I found it!**

_For (A Pyro) -the doc manager really doesn't like your name- who asked to see Harry finding the Room of Requirement. Of course, this is more Harry showing it off then finding it._

Hermione Granger was not quite sure what to expect when she met Harry Potter, but it definitely wasn't the non-believing-in-magic-but-willing-to-play-along-f or-now Harry Potter that she got. This, however, did not bother her the way it did everyone else, since she hadn't believed in magic until shortly before she'd arrived at Hogwarts either. That, and her parents had taught her that everyone was entitled to their beliefs, even if they flew in the face of reality, so long as they didn't hurt anybody.

Prejudice however hurt people, so they weren't entitled to that.

The fact that Harry was in Slytherin didn't bother her all that much either, seeing as Slytherin was just a house. Harry didn't believe in magic, so he didn't believe in magical prejudices, such as the ones that were held by the majority of the "Purebloods" in Slytherin (ie: he not only didn't believe that a 'mudblood' could exist, he defended her from the other Slytherins that called her that).

She was only slightly bothered by the fact that he believed Slytherin was the only sane house, but he claimed that even if she was a Gryffindor, she was as sane as he was, wished her luck with her infiltration, and expressed the hope that any information she managed to acquire would help him develop an effective treatment and recovery plan in the future so the Minders weren't forced to humor everybody even after they were moved into Outpatient care.

Their friendship - if it could be called that - had not had a most auspicious beginning...

**Flashback**

"I am not insane just because I'm a Gryffindor!" Hermione hissed in anger, having overheard a comment the boy had made.

Harry just stared at her. He was reminded rather well of a hissing cat.

"I know." he replied.

"…you…know…?" Now she reminded him of a confused cat.

"Well, yeah, I mean, sure most of Slytherin is sane, but we have Draco Malfoy who was encouraged to become a Minder by his parents who apparently hadn't realized that he'd fallen into the delusion. Considering that we have an insane person in our house receiving treatment 24/7, it's only logical that there would be sane people who have gone into other houses in order to provide in-house treatment for their patients. Considering how swamped you and they look, there apparently aren't very many who choose to go that route. Despite the fact that you're a Gryffindor, you're obviously just as sane as I am."

Hermione never told him that that sentiment didn't make her feel very sane.

**End Flashback**

That had been in their second year. Harry's other friend, Blaise, never spent much time around her (usually only doing so when Harry dragged him along). That didn't bother her either – Blaise had explained that he was rather neutral on the whole pureblood supremacy thing, but Harry couldn't protect him from the other Slytherins forever, so it was best that he wasn't seen with what they considered to be a 'mudblood'.

What did bother her? Well, Umbitch – oh, Umbridge (dammit, she was channeling Harry now – Harry had started calling her Umbitch the moment he met her) – for one. That toad couldn't teach a class to save her life (and she was obviously intending for the students to give up their own lives in the process – this was a war dammit, they didn't have time to screw around).

Hermione and a few other Gryffindors had decided to make a sort of club, a DADA learning club, but they needed a place to hide it where Umbitch – oops, Umbridge – couldn't find it. The fact that she couldn't find a place also bothered her.

The fact that Harry came running down the hall and began to shaking her screaming, "I found it, Granger, I found it!" also bothered her, more the fact that she was being shaken than the fact that Harry was nuts.

"Found what Harry?" she asked, after getting him to stop shaking her.

"The holodeck! I found the holodeck!"

"The what?" Harry gave her a strange look.

"Don't you watch Star Trek? I thought you were a trekkie after that Halloween ball thing." Hermione looked annoyed. The Halloween costume party/ball had been the headmaster's idea, and she had dressed up as one of her favorite characters.

"Chewbacca is from Star _Wars_ you idiot!" she snapped.

Harry obviously didn't get out much, or know anything about the two series if couldn't tell the difference.

"Oh, well, either way – I found the holodeck! Come on!" And with that Harry proceeded to drag her up several flights of stairs.

"What the hell are you doing?" she asked, watching him walk back and forth.

"Watch," Harry said, walking back and forth one more time. A door appeared, magically – although Harry apparently thought otherwise. "It's the holodeck!" he exclaimed, opening the door and dragging her inside.

"And what exactly does the holodeck do?"

"Think of something, anything."

Hermione sighed, and wished, not for the first time this year, that she had her favorite book series that she had left at home. A bookshelf appeared, filled with every book of that series – even the ones she didn't have yet. She squeaked, and quickly thought of a place for the students to learn defense. The room supplied pillows, a chalkboard (with erasers and chalk), books upon books of defensive spells/potions/etc., and targets for them to shoot at.

Hermione squealed happily and hugged Harry, kissing him on the cheek.

"You're a genius!" she yelled, before running out of the room to inform the others of their new meeting place.

"I'm a genius because I found the holodeck?" Harry asked, "Cool! I wonder what else I can find!" This thought, of course, led Harry to explore the castle. He was missing for three days and still hadn't found anything else.

Dumbledore nearly had a heart attack, both when he found out Harry was missing, and when said Slytherin returned, slightly dusty, but none worse for the wear.

**_Almost immediately after reading (A Pyro)'s review, I thought of the holodeck. I'm not a trekkie, but I always liked Data and Geordi LaForge (mostly because of the visor), so I know enough about Star Trek to remember the holodeck. Anyway, read and review please. Smiles._**

**_Rune_**


	11. The Girl Who Believes In Everything

**Chapter 11: The Girl Who Believes In Everything**

Harry was sitting at the Ravenclaw table,chatting happily with a blonde girl, with a subdued Hermione, and an amused Blaise sitting not far from them.

"It's impossible," Hermione whispered. It wasn't that Harry was talking to someone outside his house (he had proven he'd do that with her), but that he was talking with Luna Lovegood, and nodding in agreement at whatever it was she was saying.

"Obviously not," Blaise said.

"But he's the Boy-Who-Doesn't-Believe-In-Magic," Hermione hissed frightfully.

That was his new title since Rita Skeeter got wind of him not believing in magic.

"And," Hermione continued, "she's the Girl-Who-Believes-In-Everything!"

"And they shouldn't even get along," Blaise said, "but there they are."

"Of all the people in Ravenclaw, he thinks she's sane? How did this even start?"

"Well, you know how Potter's into all that conspiracy crap?"

"Yeah."

"Apparently, so is she."

**Flashback**

"Heliopaths," the blonde girl said. Harry looked at her strangely.

"Whatio-paths?"

"Heliopaths. They're what the Ministry are planning to use to destroy all the goblins in Gringotts for. They spit fireballs."

Now, while to any other person this would have sounded like an insane bit of rubbish, somehow Harry's brain translated it into this:

The Ministry plans to do in the Oompa Loompa Wannabe's with those freaky genetic experiments gone wrong that Hagrid had called firecrabs. Hagrid had a lot of those genetic experiments as it turned out – he must have had a connection to the scientists or something.

"So it is a conspiracy!" Harry exclaimed.

**End Flashback**

"Okay, but still, there's no way just conspiracy theories would keep him from thinking she's insane."

"Apparently, they have a friend in common."

"Who?"

"Bob."

"Bob? Who's Bob?"

"I don't know. They described him as having brown hair and wearing a hardhat, whatever that is, and they talked to thin air while addressing him, so I assume he is their imaginary friend."

"Only Harry Potter and Luna Lovegood would have Bob the Builder as an imaginary friend."

1234567890

**Short but funny, at least to me. Not nearly as good as the Chubbchubbs, but that's because Inspiration hit, and then vanished into thin air for this one. I got the idea to get Harry to meet Luna right before Amileah suggested it.**

**Rune**


	12. Not the Brightest Pea in the Pod

**Chapter 12: Not the Brightest Pea in the Pod**

"Harry," Hermione said, in an exasperated voice that she used quite frequently with him. "The thing on the train was a Dementor, not Black dressed as a Nazgûl."

"Nuh-uh," Harry said. "What's a Dementor anyway?"

"A magical creature that makes the area around it really cold and sucks the happiness out of people," Blaise answered.

"Magic isn't real, so there can't be such things as magical creatures."

Lupin, along with many of the other Gryffindors and Slytherins in the room watched as the three of them argued. It was the first Defense class after Snape stepping in for Lupin. Well, it was the first Defense class period for Harry, who had skipped all the other ones. Hermione had forced him to come to this one.

"Then how do you explain the drop in temperature and the…the…"

"Happiness suckage," Blaise supplied.

"Yes, the happiness suckage," Hermione said, before giving Blaise a strange look and mouthing the word 'suckage'. Blaise shrugged.

"Hmm…maybe it was a real Nazgûl!"

"It wasn't a Nazgûl; it was a Dementor!"

"Same difference." Hermione looked about ready to commit murder.

"I thought the Nazgûl couldn't die," another Muggleborn Gryffindor said. "Your rock killed one."

"No. The Nazgûl can't be killed by any man, or so they claim," Hermione said.

"And Mr. Rock is a rock, not a man," Harry added.

"But you call it _Mr._ Rock, so it's a man-rock," Hermione said, "Therefore, it could not have killed the thing were it an actual Nazgûl, so it wasn't a Nazgûl, it was a Dementor." Hermione looked smug, as if daring Harry to contradict her.

"But…Mr. Rock isn't a man-rock, it's a girl-rock."

"Then why do you call it Mr. Rock?" Blaise asked.

"Because I let Dudley name it."

"Dudley?"

"My cousin."

"The one that makes Crabbe and Goyle look like geniuses?"

"That'd be the one."

"Oh." The bell rang. Lupin let out a sigh of relief.

"Class dismissed." Only Hermione stayed behind.

"Professor, can I talk to you in private?"

"Of course, Ms. Granger," Lupin said, directing her towards his office. "Tea?"

"Yes, please."Hermione replied, relieved to have something solidly familiar in this school that even she was beginning to think of as being a madhouse.

Lupin set about getting them both a cup of tea. "As you can probably tell, Harry's not the…brightest pea in the pod."

"I believe the phrase you're looking for Ms. Granger is 'completely bonkers'."

"Yes, well, despite his…unique view on life…Harry is my best friend. In fact, he's probably my only one. Blaise and I are barely acquaintances. Being my only friend, I feel rather protective of him at times."

"I fail to see where this is going, Ms. Granger," Lupin said in confusion.

"I'll get to the point then. Professor Quirrell was possessed by Voldemort and tried to kill him, Professor Lockhart tried to wipe his and Ron's memories and put them in a mental institution, and the two of them were human. You're a werewolf. I want to make sure you're not going to eat Harry. I'm father fond of him."

Lupin choked on his tea, and Hermione thought it looked like he was trying not to laugh.

"Ms. Granger…I have no intentions of eating Harry, or any of the students for that matter."

"Good, because if you tried to, they wouldn't be enough pieces of you for them to find," Hermione gave him a grin, grabbed her things, and headed for the door. "Thank you for the tea professor."

Snape found him in his office a few minutes later, still staring at the door, slack-jawed.

"What the hell is wrong with you Lupin?" he asked, setting Lupin's potion down in front of him. Lupin let out a whine. Snape looked at the clock and sighed. "Potter showed up for class today didn't he?" Lupin nodded. Snape patted him on the head. "Don't worry, you'll get used to him." Snape left the room, leaving a still stunned Remus Lupin behind.

"It's not him I'm worried about," Lupin whispered, shaking his head to snap him out of his daze.


	13. Genetic Experiments & Multiple Personali

**Chapter 13: GeneticExperiments&MultiPersonalities**

_Part of the conversation for this Voldemort Scene comes from Blue Fire Mustang, although Snape does have a reason for appearing. The ideas for the others either come from Danjal, or came to me after reading Danjal's ideas. For those of you who don't know, Lucky is an animatronic dinosaur made by the Disney Imagineers. Also, I cant remember the color of the fires so now they're multicolored._

Harry Potter was Not Happy. Had there been anyone around him (save the idiot in front of him who hadn't stopped talking), they would have been able to hear the capital letters in that sentence without Harry even saying it out loud.

Why was he Not Happy? Simple.

What would have been a perfectly wonderful night, was ruined the moment Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley dragged him down a trap door. Well, actually, they pushed him down the trap door, said "Save the Stone!" (didn't even answer his question of "What stone?"), and left – LEFT! – him alone.

This wouldn't have been so bad – after all, there was a 'Fluffy' guarding the trap door – whatever 'Fluffy' was. Harry was pretty sure it was a birth defect, or maybe a genetic experiment gone wrong. Yeah, that's it, a genetic experiment with growth hormones (How else could there be a three-headed dog bigger than the Dursley's house?). He was at that point in time, away from 'Fluffy'.

But as the saying goes, out of the frying pan, and into the fire.

He traded an animal-genetic-experiment-gone-wrong for a plant-genetic-experiment-gone-wrong. Whatever the hell he had landed on it had vines (or at least he thought it was vines – it didn't feel like the Giant Squid – also an animal-genetic-experiment-gone-wrong – 's tentacles) and it had tried to eat him. What in the hell was wrong with it that it wanted to eat _him_? He was all bones and skinnier than a toothpick.

Having decided that the only way to get out would be to go forward, he went on.

"Great, mini-robots," Harry said, catching sight of the flying keys. "And broomsticks? Am I supposed to smack the mini-robots? They're flying far too high for that." Harry tried the door handle. "Locked. Let's see, where is that…aha!"

Harry pulled out a set of lock picks, and set about getting the door unlocked. A small 'click' sounded and he opened the door with ease. The next room had a giant chess set. As he tried to cross the board the pawns came alive and didn't let him pass.

"Animatronics from hell? Disney endorses this place? I wonder if Lucky will come for a visit." Harry backed up, hopped off the chessboard, and walked around it, still mumbling about Lucky. "Ew?" Harry said, holding his nose through the next room. What appeared to be a large troll (magic wasn't real so it must have been a movie prop, perhaps from Lord of the Rings?) was in the room. It was apparently out like a light. Its stench however was not.

"What did they use on this thing Eau du skunk? Ugh." Harry quickly exited to the next room, stopping only to grab the prop's club (just in case it was a robot and woke back up). Multi-colored flames spread in the doorways, causing Harry to jump.

"Weird colors. Wonder if it's a hologram?" Harry pondered out loud, before taking off his robes and throwing them in the fire. They caught fire and so disproved his theory. "Right, then. Must be chemicals changing the color." Which probably meant that the chemicals were being spread. Harry wasn't sure if the chemicals changing the color of the fire were toxic to him or not. He walked towards the table, completely ignoring the piece of paper, and found the vials. With all the liquid inside the vials being clear, Harry came to one conclusion:

"Water!" He took out his own vial (why he was carrying it around he didn't really know), which was much bigger than the ones on the table, and mixed all the potions together. Being of a rather cool temperature, the potions only reactions to each other where to bubble slightly. Adding heat to the mixture, would likely cause an explosion. Harry didn't know this, and poured the potions onto the fire.

The sizzling and cracking sounds coming from the fire didn't sound very good, so Harry went back to the table, turned it on its side, and hid behind it. Just in time too, as the fire, the doorway it was in, and most of the wall was taken out in a loud _BOOM!_

"Oops," Harry said, surveying the destruction he caused. "I guess it wasn't water. Must have been nitroglycerin or something." He then started cursing as he moved several pieces of debris out of his way. He was not a happy camper as he got into the last room.

Unknown to Harry, the explosion was loud enough to attract the attention of several Professors, who hurried to the third floor corridor.

Quirrell had been knocked out by the explosion, though the face on the back of his head (his turban had been blown off) was not.

"I shall kill you!" the face said. It must have been some type of experimental drug not working correctly – a multiple personality disorder drug maybe? The second personality appeared to function independently from Quirrell.

"I believe that," Harry said, sarcastically, even if the face was rather convincing. The Professors who heard the explosion finally showed up. Harry turned to Professor Snape before any of them could speak. "Excuse me, Professor. Is this another one of your patients? Seeing as Quirrell didn't actually teach, I'd always assumed that he'd been brought to the asylum to fix his phobias of just about everything. Putting him in charge of a "class" that supposedly dealt with fictional monsters seemed like it would've been good occupational therapy for that."

"Not an asylum!" McGonagall said automatically, before noticing the face on the back of Quirrell's head. "What is _that_? No, what are you doing, Potter? _Don't touch it!_"

Harry, who had just poked the extra face in the vicinity of its forehead, looked up, missing the pained look Voldemort gave before he screamed and was forced out of Quirrell's body. Quirrell's body then melted, which Harry did notice, and then he gave a horrified wail.

"What kind of chemicals did you use on that fire? Oh god, I inhaled them too didn't I? Oh god, I'm gonna die! I don't want to die!" Before Harry could get any more hysterical then he already was, Snape stunned him from behind.

He woke up in the hospital wing where Snape explained that whatever chemicals he had inhaled, Pomfrey had cleared them away. (In actuality she didn't even find any chemicals.) When Dumbledore came later to question him, Harry's only reply was:

"Stone? What stone? Granger and Weasley said something about a stone. Is that the stone you're looking for?"

**_And the Power Poke of Doom™ makes a comeback. Read and review, please. Smiles!_**

**_Rune_**


	14. Why Umbridge Went Er, Madder

**Chapter 14: **

**Notes:** Khamûl was the name of one of the Nazgûl. Khamûl the Dementor is an OC (Original Character).  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.

Mr. Rock was a special rock. A thousand years in a castle filled with magic, then being picked up by one of the magically strongest wizards in centuries (despite the fact that he didn't actually believe in magic), led Mr. Rock to be partially sentient. Not very sentient, of course, being a rock and not having a brain, but sentient nonetheless.

Mr. Rock fancied herself (as she was a girl rock, no matter her title) Harry's first line of defense. She took on walruses (Marge Dursley), Nazgûl (Dementors), and even protected Harry from Blondie (Lockhart)'s memory spell by catching his attention.

So, when more Nazgûl attacked, shortly before Harry's fifth year began, Mr. Rock took it upon herself to deal with them.

And she did. This of course led to the Dementors being scared of Mr. Rock. After the incident on the train in Harry's third year, and this incident now, the Dementors decided it was better off being on the same side as Mr. Rock. Following this decision, Harry had unknowingly gained several-hundred followers that were terrified of Mr. Rock.

Delores Umbridge should have known when there was no notice of magic use after she sent the Dementors after Harry Potter that it would be a bad year. Especially when the Minister received a letter from the Dementor population as a whole that said they were quitting because 'Rocks shouldn't be that scary' and 'Mr. Rock has better dental anyway'.

Later in the year, Hermione Granger began banging her head against the wall when Harry told her, "The Nazgûl have sworn eternal loyalty and service to me. Does that make me Sauron?"

It was a well known fact that Harry liked to skip the boring classes, and had been skipping them since the beginning despite the professors' best efforts at preventing him from doing so. Defense Against The Dark Arts was boring most days, and even more boring now that Um…Um…Um-something…Umbitch maybe? She was certainly bitchy enough. Anyway, the classes were even more boring since she took over. So naturally, Harry skipped the first class. And the next one. And the next one. And the next one.

"Mr. Potter!" Umbridge yelled, when she finally caught up with him.

"Yes, Profesor Umbitch?" Harry answered.

Umbridge turned a shade of purple that Uncle Vernon would be jealous of.

"It's Professor Um_bridge_, Mr. Potter!" she hissed, the purple on her face growing a shade darker.

"Oh, is it? My apologies, Professor. I shall do my best to remember it."

"Yes, well. I suppose you can be forgiven for the slight. It's obvious you pay attention to nothing, least of all my class which you have not been attending." Umbridge replied in an "I'm trying to keep calm so I don't kill him the Muggle way" tone of voice as the purple lightened slightly.

"Is that what this is about? It's a safe bet I won't be attending your occupational therapy sessions in the future, so..."

"Why not?" Umbridge asked, barely keeping herself from strangling the brat.

"It's boring." The purple grew even darker than before.

"I see. I'm afraid, Mr. Potter, that 'It's boring.' is not a proper reason to excuse you from class. That will be detention, I think. One week, for every missed class. That's a month of detentions already Mr. Potter. Tut tut. We'll start at eight tonight, my office."

"Okay."Harry replied, already not paying attention to his rather odious patient who'd obviously been sent to deal with her control and anger management issues.

Umbridge nodded and walked away with her nose in the air. Being a rather concerned Minder in Training, Harry headed to the hospital wing to inform Madame Pomfrey of Professor Umbitch's color. That shade of purple couldn't possibly be healthy.

Harry Potter never showed up to his first day of detention. Or his second. Or his third, and it was a common sight to see Umbridge with a purple face. Concerned for the odious woman's health and safety as well as the students' already battered mental well-being which would take a severe hit should the worst happen, Madam Pomfrey asked Professor Snape to have his NEWT students work on a potion that lowered blood pressure. She was fast running out of the hospital wing's stock trying to keep Umbridge's head from popping off (as high blood pressure was seen to do in weaker wizards and witches). Halfway into the second week of Harry skipping detentions, Pomfrey asked that Snape put all his students on making it.

Finally, the extra work and Umbridge's grating voice (which seemed even worse when she complained about Harry) had gotten on Snape's nerves enough that he decided to make sure Harry suffered as well and dragged the fifth year to his next detention himself.

"Well now, Mr. Potter. I think another week for every detention you skipped, as well as every class you've missed since we first spoke. Now, let's begin shall we," she said, handing him a long thin black quill. "You'll not need any ink for this quill, Mr. Potter." A large grin formed on her face. "You will write out the line _I will obey my betters_ five-hundred times tonight."

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock._

When she saw who, or rather what, it was that had knocked after she had stormed over to the door and ripped it open, fully prepared to begin telling off the person who interrupted her, Umbridge's grin faltered. At Umbridge's terrified squeak, Harry looked up from his lines (Not _I will obey my betters._ but _I would obey my betters if they weren't all insane. Not that there are many of my betters. Although there are a lot of insane people here._).

"Oh, hello, Khamûl," Harry greeted the Dementor. "How are you?"

The Dementor let out a groan which meant, "Utterly terrified of Mr. Rock. Please don't let her eat me. I will do your bidding for the rest of eternity." but that Harry took to mean "Fine."

"Oh, that's good." Harry replied absently.

Umbridge let out another squeak as the Dementor bowed to Harry and then moved to stand behind him. Harry's only reaction however was to go back to his lines (adding _My Nazgûl friend is here. I should talk to the Nazgûl. They're causing undue terror in the insane people._ to his lines.)

Delores Umbridge never gave Harry detention again.


	15. Where's the Pharmacy?

**Here Begins my contributions to the story. We shall start with Snape's first class with Harry.**

Snape smirked at the little Snake who'd just earned him a great deal of spending money which he planned on actually using on sweets for himself for once, rather than Potions journals or supplies for the class like he usually did. He deserved to be selfish sometimes, and considering how much of his income went to paying for supplies that the brats in class invariably wasted in their failures, it was a good thing he had a house free and clear and was given room and board for most of the year as part of his salary.

There was a reason few people were willing to teach Potions, and that reason was that the out-of-pocket expenses for the class were murder on the pocketbook.

Slamming the door open in order to catch the attention of the dunderheads that he'd been given to educate, he swooped into the room with his robes billowing in his wake in a show that was meant to intimidate the eleven year-olds who'd already been given a week to hear rumors about him and hopefully put the fear of him into them so they didn't start screwing around and blow everybody up. Soon, he was at the front of the room and looking at a bunch of faces which belonged to brats who ranged from being pants-wettingly frightened to completely vacuous.

The Potter boy who'd provided him with some amusement over the Summer due to the fact that he'd inherited Lily's sense of humor rather than that of the bastard was looking somewhat bored. Whether having him in his house would be a good thing or not remained to be seen, but he was not going to have anyone looking bored in his class. Terrified? Yes. Bored? No.

"You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of Potion-making." he said, launching into his usual speech for his incoming students which was meant to intrigue them and hopefully inspire the few of them who might actually possess any talent in the field. "As there is little foolish wand-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes...The delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins bewitching the mind and ensnaring the senses...I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even stopper death."

He'd almost finished up with his usual "If you aren't the usual bunch of dunderheads I have to teach", but this generation's Potter and his behavior over the summer after Minerva had put her foot down and dragged him and Dumbledore to the boy's residence to deliver his letter had been foremost on his mind since he'd spotted the boy who now looked more interested in his class after he'd given the speech. Instead of giving his usual line which told the students what he thought of them, and how he hoped that they would shape up so he could actually teach rather than babysit, he found the corners of his lips twitching upwards as he said "For those of you whose names are Potter, what this means is that we're here to learn how to make medicine for the patients."

A second later, as he was about to call roll, a hand belonging to none other than Lily's son shot up.

"Yes?" he said.

"Wouldn't it be safer for everybody if we just went to the pharmacy like everyone else?" the Potter boy asked.


End file.
